insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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