He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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