I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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