My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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