1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize