How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
