My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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