Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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