There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
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