This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
