dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
