I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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