im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
