Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
