I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
your room smells of hookers.
And success
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Randomize
