We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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