Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
How does it feel to date your dad?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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