You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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