Will you blow on my dice?
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
