These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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