I will die if light touches me.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
