If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize