having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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