So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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