I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize