You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
