i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
