my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I don't deserve a penis
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
