I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize