you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize