Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
