my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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