Please, let me fuck your mom
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize