Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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