I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize