Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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