I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
