Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
