True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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