I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
