someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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