Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
This toilet bowl is my home.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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