Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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