If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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