dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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