just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
