to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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