did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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