when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
