I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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