so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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