My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Randomize
