You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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