Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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