Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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