either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Randomize
