My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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