my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
