apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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