Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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