Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
