He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
