I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
