why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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