got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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