We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
My vagina just clenched in fear
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
