I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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