I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
