i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
My cat gives me a boner
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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